The Liberty Guardian
May 22nd, 2012
April 02, 2010 By: M.J. Harris Category: World

(CNET) A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.

The LHC successfully collided particles at record force earlier this week, a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment’s vending machines. He also claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last year.

Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his ‘time machine power unit’, a device that resembled a kitchen blender.

Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. “Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I’m here to stop it ever happening.”

This isn’t the first time time-travel has been blamed for mishaps at the LHC. Last year, the Japanese physicist Masao Ninomiya and Danish string-theory pioneer Holger Bech Nielsen put forward the hypothesis that the Higgs boson was so “abhorrent” that it somehow caused a ripple in time that prevented its own discovery.

Professor Brian Cox, a former CERN physicist and full-time rock’n'roll TV scientist, was sympathetic to Mr Cole. “Bless him, he sounds harmless enough. At least he didn’t mention bloody black holes.”

Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.

3 Responses

  1. Tweets that mention Man Arrested At Large Hadron Collider Claims He's From The Future | The Liberty Guardian -- Topsy.com Said,

    [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by The Liberty Guardian. The Liberty Guardian said: Man Arrested At Large Hadron Collider Claims He’s From The Future http://su.pr/5fIjSe [...]

    Posted on April 2nd, 2010 at 7:05 pm

  2. ajy Said,

    April Fools….notice the date on the original article…April 1st

    They describe the person like he is Doctor Who also.

    Posted on April 16th, 2010 at 10:22 am

  3. Skynet Said,

    What if…. he actually was from the future?

    Posted on July 11th, 2010 at 10:44 am

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